i think not

I’M ALEX DA KID, AND I’M TALENTED! WHY AM I YELLING? ‘CAUSE I WANT THE WHOLE DAMN WORLD TO KNOW EXACTLY HOW HIGH MY PEDESTAL IS.

THE WORLD OWES ME SOME MORE THANKS. I WORKED SO DAMN HARD ON THE 2 SONGS IN THE ABOVE VIDEO, AND STUPID EMINEM GETS ALL THE CREDIT. IT’S HARD TO MAKE MUSIC… YOU HAVE TO MAKE PHONE CALLS, AND BUY PEOPLE THINGS, THEN YOU HAVE TO SLOW ONE SONG DOWN TO 84 BEATS PER MINUTE SO NO ONE NOTICES HOW SIMILAR IT IS TO THE ONE YOU RECORDED AT 95. AND THAT’S NOT ALL… YOU HAVE TO TWEET ABOUT WHAT YOU’RE DOING THE WHOLE TIME!

I MAKE BEATS. IT’S WHAT I DO. THAT, AND WEAR HATS THAT LOOK LIKE THEY’VE BEEN INFLATED WITH A BIKE PUMP.

WAIT. Did I say “beats?” I meant “beat.” Yeah, I’m afraid I’m that proverbial pony. You know, the one with one trick?

It’s true. The only musical feat I’ve ever accomplished is pairing a strong female lead vocalist with some angry rap, and setting it over the same beat I created with Fruity Loops in 2003. I’m delusional enough to think Fruity Loops is an actual instrument, like the trombone, and that it takes talent to control it. Fortunately, there are some people who follow me around who know how to string together music so that it sounds marginally pleasant.

Yeah, my Fruity Loops and I have the American pop music scene wrapped around our dirty little fingers like the brass knuckles I’d use to beat up anyone who tried to expose me. In fact, we’ve perfected this formula so well that we’ve sold the same song at least 5 DIFFERENT TIMES, including the 2 #1 hits above. See for yourself. Here’s a collection of my other work:



(fast forward to about 2:40 to skip the snoozy intro on this one)




Say what you will about my lack of talent. As long as I have Diddy and Dre and Fruity Loops, as long as I keep shamelessly capitalizing on divisive American social issues, and as long as it’s cool to have 24 artists feat. on one track, it’s gonna be pretty hard to stop me.

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Hello, Jessie J. It’s nice to meet you. I understand you’re very big in Europe, and that you’ve recently crossed the pond. Congratulations on writing Miley’s “Party in the USA,” as it demonstrates knowledge of your audience. You’ve proven you also understand the difference between a man and a woman with your androgynous ditty “Do It Like a Dude.” And congratulations on your new single “Price Tag,” as it has all the makings of a chart-topping #1. Let’s break down the recipe:

1: B.o.B.
Having Bobby Ray on your single these days is like having bacon on your cheeseburger.

2: Marionettes.
Any video featuring people dangling from strings is a winner in our American eyes.

3: A great tune.
However stolen, like a wallet from a corpse, from a former Billboard Hot 100 hit.

Yep. That’s right. The music bed from “Price Tag” is dangerously close to Leona Lewis’ “Better in Time.” Both songs are performed in G Major, and both employ the same chord progression: C / G / Am / F. Listening to them back-to-back, you even start to hear Leona’s background singers breathe “Ahhh ahhh ahhh” on Jessie’s track. Oddly enough, even though “Better…” is a sweetheart ballad and “Price Tag” could only be described as Bubble Gum Ska, they have the same tempo (around 82 beats per minute).

Coincidence? According to popdash.com (and many other sources), It seems you 2 have spent some time together. So is it a stretch to think you may have been “influenced?”

I think not.

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“…what current pop hit doesn’t go green by recycling something familiar?” asks LA Times’ Ann Powers.

She’s referring to today’s hottest intellectual property theft: “Born This Way” sounds a lot like Madonna’s 1989 smash “Express Yourself.”

Coincidence? Let’s see…

First of all, we should congratulate Gags for breaking a record for most overhyped song in the history of songs not played with actual instruments. This is a feat in and of itself. To truly understand Our Lady’s mastery of her craft, we should break down her songwriting process:

Step 1: “I need a beat and a melody. Surely Madge won’t mind, she’s a fan. I bet Kelly Rowland and David Guetta won’t object either.”

Step 2: “Wow, songwriting is EASY!! Now all I need is cover art.”



Thanks Kylie, you’re a lifesaver.

Step 3: “Crap. Selling the album is one thing, but now I have to perform it at the Grammys. Quick, I need something to take the attention away from my shameless ripoff.”

And that, friends, is how a pop song is born.

What does Madonna think about all this?



This Saturday, she uploaded a new video to her official YouTube channel: A 6-minute performance of “Express Yourself” from the VMAs back in 1989. Coincidence?

DO YOU HAVE FRIENDS? TELL THEM ABOUT THIS. NOW.

“…what current pop hit doesn’t go green by recycling something familiar?” asks LA Times’ Ann Powers.

She’s referring to today’s hottest intellectual property theft: “Born This Way” sounds a lot like Madonna’s 1989 smash “Express Yourself.”

Coincidence? Let’s see…

First of all, we should congratulate Gags for breaking a record for most overhyped song in the history of songs not played with actual instruments. This is a feat in and of itself. To truly understand Our Lady’s mastery of her craft, we should break down her songwriting process:

Step 1: “I need a beat and a melody. Surely Madge won’t mind, she’s a fan. I bet Kelly Rowland and David Guetta won’t object either.”

Step 2: “Wow, songwriting is EASY!! Now all I need is cover art.”



Thanks Kylie, you’re a lifesaver.

Step 3: “Crap. Selling the album is one thing, but now I have to perform it at the Grammys. Quick, I need something to take the attention away from my shameless ripoff.”

And that, friends, is how a pop song is born.

What does Madonna think about all this?



This Saturday, she uploaded a new video to her official YouTube channel: A 6-minute performance of “Express Yourself” from the VMAs back in 1989. Coincidence?

DO YOU HAVE FRIENDS? TELL THEM ABOUT THIS. NOW.

“…what current pop hit doesn’t go green by recycling something familiar?” asks LA Times’ Ann Powers.

She’s referring to today’s hottest intellectual property theft: “Born This Way” sounds a lot like Madonna’s 1989 smash “Express Yourself.”

Coincidence? Let’s see…

First of all, we should congratulate Gags for breaking a record for most overhyped song in the history of songs not played with actual instruments. This is a feat in and of itself. To truly understand Our Lady’s mastery of her craft, we should break down her songwriting process:

Step 1: “I need a beat and a melody. Surely Madge won’t mind, she’s a fan. I bet Kelly Rowland and David Guetta won’t object either.”

Step 2: “Wow, songwriting is EASY!! Now all I need is cover art.”



Thanks Kylie, you’re a lifesaver.

Step 3: “Crap. Selling the album is one thing, but now I have to perform it at the Grammys. Quick, I need something to take the attention away from my shameless ripoff.”

And that, friends, is how a pop song is born.

What does Madonna think about all this?



This Saturday, she uploaded a new video to her official YouTube channel: A 6-minute performance of “Express Yourself” from the VMAs back in 1989. Coincidence?

DO YOU HAVE FRIENDS? TELL THEM ABOUT THIS. NOW.

Black Eyed Peas’ Super Bowl XLIV halftime show (complete with dancers dressed like sperm cells):

1. I Gotta Feeling —— Actually a David Guetta song
2. Boom Boom Pow —— Contains a sample of Daft Punk’s Harder Better…
3. Sweet Child O Mine —— Not a BEP song at all, and butchered horribly
4. Pump It —— Actually a Dick Dale and the Deltones song
5. Let’s Get it Started —— Contains a strong sample of Leaders of the New School’s Bass is Loaded
6. OMG —— We all know this was stolen from Homer Simpson
7. The Time (Dirty Bit) —— Are you kidding me? Dirty Dancing?
Really, Black Eyed Peas? 10 minutes and you couldn’t give us ONE original song?

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Firework. Billboard Hot 100’s current #2 is, obviously, one spot away from the coveted #1. Not that Mrs. Perry-Brand needs any more excitement in her life, but we’d really like to see her make it to the top. Why? Well, to answer that, we’re going to take a little trip.

Flash back in time, if you will, to 2001. No one had ever heard of this dude, and this thing was but a glimmer in Job’s eye. Many of us had finally put away the Abercrombie & Fitch sweaters with the bold stripe across the chest, and everywhere we turned we were beaten to death by a band named Lifehouse. Not even the band, really, but the song. You know the one. Originally released on your favorite alternative station, it wasn’t long before it spread to the “adult contemporary” and “light rock” stations. Like a jar full of bees, Hanging by a Moment was released on the unsuspecting public, and it wasn’t long before your mom was asking for the CD single for her birthday. “Nobody buys CD singles any more. Duh, mom!”

The significance here (which you already figured out, ‘cause you’re sharp as a tack) is all in the chart. Thanks to it’s incessant repetition, Hanging was bestowed the great honor of Billboard’s #1 song of the year. Go, Lifehouse, go!

Now, let’s flash forward again to today. 2011. Ten years later. Everybody remembers the formula for success in the music industry, right? Say it with me - If it worked once, it’ll work again. Especially 10 years later, when there’s no way anyone will remember that Lifehouse song. No one except for your mom.

When Katy and her ditty (which is apparently about super-humans with pyrotechnic boobs) make it all the way to #1, we hope she’ll join us in a toast. May your closets overflow with food-clothes. May you continue to make people of God uncomfortable when you sing. And may forever pliable be the wool you stretch over your audience’s eyes. To Life(house)!

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On June 30, 2010, The Fox reality series So You Are Aware of Your Gyrating Abilities (or something like that) featured a song by Christina Perri called “Jar of Hearts.” It was an instant hit among recently broken-up 13-year-old girls across the country.

The secret to Perri’s sudden success? Let’s see if we can nail down her inspiration:

“Jar” was written in late 2009, about the same time as what? Tito Ortiz’s triumphant return to UFC? Possibly. Assemblywoman Dede Scozzafava’s renouncement of the Republican Party? Not likely. Ooooh, here’s something: Beyonce’s “Halo” peaked at #2 on the Billboard Pop Songs Chart in June, 2009! Coincidence? Give it a listen and decide for yourself.



But that’s not all… What say ye to digging a little deeper into this twisted story of betrayal and money and dudes who wear fedoras? We’ve already spent a little time on Ryan Tedder, the writer/producer behind the Knowles/Clarkson controversy. (For additional proof of the similarities, check out this confused young man who mixed his own mashup. Seriously, if you can make it to about 3:15 it’s almost worth the headache.) But the more we learn, the sillier the whole thing gets. It’s so confusing, in fact, that we had to draw ourselves a map of who was influenced, when, and by whom.



Tedder is no stranger to “finding inspiration” wherever he sees fit:




So it was only appropriate that he turn to a great songwriter when he needed something to sell to Beyonce. Ray LaMontagne’s “Shelter” from his 2004 album, Trouble, would be the perfect muse. Tedder, in his infinite wisdom about the music industry, understands that it’s all in how you package the sale. Knowles and her hubs Jay-Z had just made Forbes’ list of top-earning Hollywood couples, so the deal was ripe for closing.

Tedder partially convinced Knowles that “Halo” was the perfect song to sing to Jay-Z, because it would be like “Shelter,” but with a soulful, hip-hop twist. The operative word in the last sentence: Partially. Knowles didn’t bite at first.

While she was on the fence, Tedder tracked down Leona Lewis, who is best known for stealing Vanessa WIlliams’ face, stapling it to Mariah Carey’s body and singing like Whitney Houston. Oh, and also “Bleeding Love,” which is pretty much the most famous pop song ever, for which we can thank no other than Ryan Tedder. Coincidentally, this song was also the bed for a successful routine on So You Grew Up Watching Soul Train Reruns on PBS.

Leona, God bless her, declined Tedder’s offer. Maybe she could sniff out the forthcoming controversy, as Tedder had ALREADY SOLD A SONG THAT SOUNDED JUST LIKE “HALO” TO KELLY CLARKSON. I mean, really? What a jerk.

What’s the moral of the story? There are 2: 1) Dudes who wear fedoras have nothing but bad intentions, and 2) there’s one member of Boyz II Men who kinda looks like Kobe Bryant.


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There’s emulating, and then there’s flat-out stealing. And I’ll be damned if Green Day didn’t steal this riff right out from under The Kinks.

Ripping the beginning of a song from one of the better rock bands of our time? Come on Green Day. You’re better than that. Oh, wait.

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Ever heard of Dr. Luke? Didn’t think so.
Here’s another pop quiz, hot shot: Ever heard of Miley Cyrus, Katy Perry or Ke$ha? Unless you’ve been buried alive in the last 5 years or so, I bet the answer is yes.

It sounds dramatic, but I believe Dr. Luke represents everything that’s wrong with the music industry. Gottwald isn’t the only perpetrator in this racket, but there’s a trend that involves producers repurposing the same song and releasing it to the hungry, prepubescent masses via different artists. And by “artists,” I mean pretty people with cupcake tits who can’t sing. It’s certainly not illegal to do this… In fact it’s relatively easy to find marketers hawking the same crap in a different package. But last time I checked, music was about expression. SELF expression at that. And I find it hard to respect an artist who can’t express him/herself.

Dr. Luke, however, has no such scruples. Listen to these 4 songs — all #1 hits, all produced by The Doc — as evidence:









And for a hell of a time… Give this one a spin. Just make sure you’re listening in stereo:



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